- KICKING ANOTHER BUCKET: Planning the Perfect Murder
- by M.R. Giggles
- Winner of the Assassins Guild's
- Brass Knuckle Award.
- So you have determined to take a life. My sincerest congratulations.
- Savor this moment, friends; taste the sweetness of the feeling that grows in your belly. Soon, you will have sent a soul flying into the ether. Your hand alone will have caused the fabric of existence to have undergone a permanent and undeniable change.
- You are preparing to undertake the most exquisite endeavor of your life, and you'd be remiss not to luxuriate in every surrounding moment.
CHAPTER THE FIRST
- Selecting your target
- There are several questions to consider when determining which life is best to seize. The following are but a few to consider:
- Is the head of your intended victim sufficiently round and symmetrical to make an impressive mounted trophy?
- Does he or she have hair of sufficient length and health to spin into a lovely yarn for darning socks or throws rugs?
- Will his or her hide provide for supple shoes, bags, and belts of a color that suits your eyes?
CHAPTER THE SECOND
- Choosing a modus operandi.
- Selecting the method with which to carve, strangle, or pierce your victim is in itself more a matter of art and of soul than of fact and science.
- Arrows are fine for sportive types.
- A dagger turns the carpet red as a valentine.
- Suffocation behoves lovers and mothers.
- Poison complements a bitter heart.
- In the end, select a method you believe best accomplishes the moral and spiritual effects you desire.
CHAPTER THE THIRD
- The most important and delectable step in any murder, dear reader, is the moment of execution. By this I do not mean the brute force of the violence, if a violent method you have chosen, or the interim (ever agonising) between the administration of poison and the first sign of it effects.
- No, the moment to which I refer is that precise event when life flees from the victim and the eyes transfigure: light to dark, flashing to still, bright to dumb.
- This is the holy minute, the minute when the act materializes, complete - no longer planned or attempted, but completed.
- This is the moment during which you write your name in the sky, for you have done something that, like the starts, cannot be undone.
CHAPTER THE FOURTH
- The Afterglow
- Now, the moments after the execution are hardly the time to worry about practicalities; no! This is your time to quietly reflect; to enjoy your transformed self, your transformed place within the cosmos. Make yourself a cup of tea, if you please, or light a pipe. The details can wait.
- When you find yourself fully refreshed, you might consider what to do with the once-person whose remains you must now inter or preserve, as is your pleasure.
- The easiest and most classical means of disposal is, of course, to bury the remains, but think long and hard about precisely which remains to bury. The civilized among us know full well that waste is a sure sin, so if there is yet some function that may be wrought from the once-person's remains, it is imperative that you do so.
- Might not a local tanner, down on his luck, tank you for a length of virgin leather?
- Do you not deserve some special token - a keepsake - for your labors?
- Once these matters have been attended to, you might concern yourself with removing the dregs of your efforts from your sight. A freshly rained-upon bog is ideal, though a freshly dug grave in your local cemetery will hardly notice a bit of additional rubbish tucked in below the intended casket.
- If you have successfully completed your endeavor, you might find yourself wondering after and planning for the next. This is a natural and desirable result of executing, as you have learned, the perfect murder. The author wishes you luck and satisfaction as you explore your newfound passion. Remember: Until you've reached a dozen, you've hardly scratched the surface.